But I could never say all I wanted to–it’s funny, because I used to watch movies where one person would not just come out and be honest with the other person, and I’d get mad because it seemed unrealistic. But holy smokes, I guess I was wrong. For people like you and me who tend to “over-think” things, we feel like we have to have the perfect words and the perfect timing. I’ve since learned that it’s because smart/thoughtful people tend to underrate themselves and overrate others (one reason the birth rate is down so much among the educated middle class). Really we just need to practice having more confidence, if that makes sense =] We can do this by simple things like upgrading our wardrobe, hairstyle, and being more active. (I try to go biking every week, and I now use a stand-up desk at work.) Then when it comes to the opposite sex, instead of focusing only on how perfect/gorgeous/amazing the girl is, we need to keep in mind that we have things that SHE wants–and not only our “tool set” but other attributes like charm, thoughtfulness, and strength (whether inner, outer, or both).

These are realizations that have only crystallized for me this year, in fact, and I’m 33 now. So I know the ordeal of things taking a longer time than I would like. The “long distance” girl and I finally broke things off for good, but thankfully it went as well as could be expected. I finally got an email address, was able to write longer letters about my feelings, and we met for a dinner date this past August. It went so well that I thought there was still a glimmer of hope for us, but at the same time she was honest about the fact she was seeing someone else, and a month or so later, we had a final conversation over email and texts that put things to an end. But honestly I felt great about the fact that I finally was able to be honest w/ her and hold nothing back. And I also felt great about being able to “move on” for good.

Fast forward to today. I’ve recently met someone else who moved to my town a few months ago. Using my aforementioned lessons, we have already had several dates which have been tons of fun. There has already been a little physicality involved, so there is real attraction there. BUT because things can never be as easy for me as most people, one of my friends (who I normally hang out with kinda frequently) also likes this girl and has asked her out a few times. So yeah, just another obstacle that I will have deal with, huh? The good thing is that this girl and I had some really good up-front discussions about where we stand on things–we both have been through some serious crap not only in the past year but during our lives. So we agreed that we would be friends right now and not push each other toward exclusive dating. And that other friend and I have not really broached the topic of the girl we both like, even though we’ve hung out in the same group a couple times recently. It’s a bit of a minefield right now, but on the most basic Zen level, I simply know that this girl makes me very happy right now, and I make her happy. And I’m trying to appreciate that as much as I can and push aside any angst. A beer or two usually helps with this =]

You and I, in my opinion, suffer from a psychological tendency to “close the loops” in our lives. We really hate unfinished threads in our lives, so we tend to obsess over them until they reach a conclusion. It’s a difficult problem, but I believe it can be dealt with by finding (and doing) other things that bring joy, so we can offset that anxiety. This can be as simple as reading a good book, or doing volunteer work, or learning a hobby. Basically we need to have some things that we CAN control in order to feel better about the things we can’t control.

I hope you and that girl have a chance for your moment of honesty ;) But whatever happens, keep trucking. We both share the urge to “keep going” despite feelings of depression that have come over us. I have decided in 2012 to take on a few new challenges, so that whatever happens with this girl I’m seeing right now, I can still feel good about myself no matter what.

Here are two great books I’ve read this year, written by two guys from the same general time period, but from greatly different circumstances. Both had to deal with lots of discouragement, but they found the answers they were looking for. And both authors have a great mix of intelligence and practicality:

William James: “The Varieties of Religious Experience”
Booker T. Washington: “Up From Slavery”

And I’d have to agree on the broad point that the US flag has probably been tainted as a symbol. Whether I’d say that for the same reasons she did is another matter. But I don’t think she was wrong by any measure.

I think your friend may have a point. :P